i am praying to god that i am pms-ing because i am being such an obnoxious irritated bitch, and putting the blame on some other force would make me feel at least slightly better. i hate being a girl.

yeah so i am being wicked jerky to everyone and im really hating myself.. its quite lovely really.. im also wicked hot and tired.. which just adds to it.. wow im just in the best mood.. what fun i am.. it also makes me mad that i HATE my job with a passion, but im too much of a retard to get up and leave and find a new one.. so in reality it all comes down to it being my fault that im in such a crappy situation doing stupid meaningless petty work while i get treated like crap and am not appreciated for a damn thing. and that just makes it all the worse. plus i have to work tomorrow night and i had wanted to go with chrystal to see chris play. plus im mad cuz im supposed to go see reggie on thursday but i have no money and megan has my ticket and argh im just wicked pissed off about everything right now. i should probably go lock myself in my room so that i wont come into contact with anyone else and ruin their lives.

im also not very happy because ive been thinking about school.. and a new job.. and thinking about what i actually wanna do.. and it makes me wicked upset with myself because i dont know.. i just flat out have no clue. me and chrystal were talking about this.. how if we were asked "if you could do ANYTHING, what would you do?" .. and id have no answer. at all.. i have no ambition and no goals and no motivation and it all sucks and makes me wicked upset with myself. why am i like that? i dont get it.. why am i so retarded? why do i want NOTHING out of life. i really dont. i see myself getting more and more apathetic. it kinda disturbs me.. its like.. theres no point in doing anything.. nothing makes sense.. i dont understand what it is that youre actually supposed to be working towards.. you go to school so you can get into a good college so you can get a good job so you can get paid lots of money to buy stupid things that you dont even need and.. why? its all so stupid. i dont undertsand at all.. im also kinda scaring myself that i care this little about my future.. what the hell is going to happen to me? i wish i wasnt in such a pissy mood.

but for real.. its like i told chrystal.. the only reason im even an art major and going into this whole graphic design thing is cuz it was the thing i hated least and was kind of good at.. i dont actually WANT to do it.. if i did then wouldnt i spend at least SOME of my free time doing it? wouldnt i care to learn more and experiment and try new things.. get new ideas? have some sort of hopes of what i want to do? nope. not at all.. i REALLY dont care.. i cant honestly see myself doing this.. sitting in an office creating logos and webpages and whatever the hell it is graphic designers even do. it was just the only option left after i crossed out all the other majors. i suck. what the hell is wrong with me. am i going through some sort of midlife crisis? hmmm midlife crisis at 21 would mean that id only live til my 40s eh.. not too bad..

i am so so so so so freaking upset. i never usually get this bad.. maybe the heat isnt helping.. plus the lack of sleep.. plus the headache that only goes away when i have caffeine, proving that i am without a doubt a total caffeine addict. no joke.

holy jesus christ do i suck!!! i hope to god that no one got this far cuz theyll deck me for sure..

im gonna go.. i want a nectarine. mmmmm.. at least those make me happy.. and last nights thunderstorm. that cheered me up for a bit.. i need to go. please dont hate me because im a moron.

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