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so the past couple of days ive been thinking about how i miss brian... i miss knowing whats going on in his life.. and hanging out and having fun. i was thinking i wanted to talk to him. part of me still does. but then, a bigger part of me still feels that i cant. i just havent yet been able to understand my feelings on everything. i probably never will, but right now i am having constant battles with what i feel. cuz im not mad anymore. im really not. but there are things that happened that made me mad that i dont want to totally forget. because they did happen. and i think thats bad. to forget things. because then youre setting yourself up for it to happen again. and so i have mixed feelings. because i always doubt everything. and it just doesnt feel right. i think he feels the same way. maybe. i really honestly dont know. maybe he doesnt think about it at all.. probably. i wonder if he still reads this.. hmmm. i wish that i could make my thought process make sense. cuz, theres so much i want to say. and that im thinking. but. i just cant really make it come out. im such a retard. but yeah, so i really am happy for brian. i really am. see.. okay maybe this will help explain my emotions that are causing confusion. see, i just read his new entry on his webpage. and. it was the cutest thing. and like, i dont know. it made me really really happy that he is so happy with lola.. cuz i really really am. and i think i am definitely dealing with it better. because usually when i think of them, im happy, but its burried really deep within me. but not this time. it made me smile. and i was really happy that she makes him so happy. but then theres still a small part of me that isnt okay with it. that i cant really explain. so thats causing confusion. cuz i dont know what it is really.. cuz i know i dont want to be with him anymore. but i dont know if maybe its that i just miss him being in my life. or that i just want someone to be that happy with me. or that i know i never made him that happy. or that im just jealous of their happiness... or all of the above. or.. i dont know. i wonder if i ever will. i wonder if im even making sense. i wonder if im dealing with all of this really retardedly. probably. ps- brian, if youre reading this, i really liked this .."everything i ever tried to trick myself to feel, i felt for real today".
there was other stuff i wanted to say before all of that happened. i cant quite remember now though. i got back so many pictures i want to put up. they are fun. and im still trying to put up some art. i am just lazy as all hell. actually, ive been really busy. really, surprisingly, amazingly busy. its been the oddest summer ever. i seriously dont think i have been bored for 2 seconds since school has ended. i really havent. actually, i feel a though i dont have enough time. its insane. i guess i shouldnt complain though. things are going pretty okay. ive been having a ton of really good times. its just been a bunch of silly things, but theyve been making me surprisingly happy. example.. last night kerry came over and we "rented" the never ending story (megan had never seen it!!) and we played in the rain and talked (about boys mostly.. thumbs down) all night and it was great. nothing special. but such fun times. yes.
i am on a going to shows kick. or. i will be? well not really but ill be going to 2 shows within 4 days. so that seems like a lot. for me anyway. yes. we are going to see the goonies on friday cuz its like right next door to our "apartment" and kerry has never seen them and wants to, and i havent seen them in forever so we will go. and then on tuesday is alkaline trio, dashboard confessional, and hot rod circuit.. yay! i am so excited. crap, i need to finish making kerrys tape so she can sing along. mmhmm.
i need more time. argh.
on that note. peace.
love michelle.
.. i lie spread out on the floor.. looking at these things.. most of them are yours.. and its so nice.. sitting very still.. without those old shoes.. i could never fill ..