there were about a million and a half things i was supposed to accomplish today.. but i didnt do any of it.. i even made myself a to do list last night.. i did hardly any of it... i didnt even shower.. sigh.

today (or yesterday, if you wanna get all technical..) is brians birthday. he is 20. happy birthday brian. 

lauren was telling me how she respects me (or something) for writing on here.. she said it was brave (?) of me.. i dont know.. i dont exactly remember.. it was weird.. cuz i dont really think of it like that.. actually, i kind of think im being a wuss.. cuz lots of this is stuff i cant actually say.. and so this is a sort of way that i can say it.. i am trying to open up and i guess this is one step in a long process.. but i still think its kind of strange.. i dont know.. i am trying. i guess this way people can see what im actually thinking.. cuz i dont usually write this thinking about the fact that people are going to be reading it.. or.. well, of course i know that there are a few people who will be, but it still doesnt really change what i am thinking or what i am going to say.. if that makes sense.. i dont know.. granted, there are still things that i hide, or wish not to discuss, but i feel as though what i say here is always truthful.. but now i am going to shutup because i am a dork.

i feel like there are bugs on me from our flower picking adventure. we got tulips.. lots.. and 2 huge purple irises (?).. and some daisies.. aww how cute. and then lots of other stuff.. it was such a great time.

so i think that i might actually be living in boston this summer... my sister didnt seem to think it would be inconvenient workwise.. now i just have to talk to my parents about it.. not that it matters what they say, but just to discuss it with them, you know... yeah.. how weird.. i realized that i have a great fear of doing this, but that i dont really know why.. its that stupid afraid of change thing i have... but i think its something i need to get over.. and living with megan is working fine.. i cant see myself living with anyone else.. thats not the problem.. and its not inconvenient.. and its cheap as hell.. and has great potential for being really fun.. and i want to help megan.. i really do.. so i am going to be brave and (probably) do it.. yeah..

brian was just online apparently.. its weird to see him on my buddy list, but not be able to talk to him.. i wonder what the outcome of all of this will be.. ive been thinking about everything a lot less lately though. i am proud of myself. id be a liar if i said it never crossed my mind though. its just such a bizarre situation.. i really hope that he was right in that things will some day be more normal between us.. we will see.. i just dont see how it will happen.. because i feel as though things would need to be discussed before we could really be friends again.. but at the same time, i dont really have anything to say to him.. he reads this, so he probably has a pretty good sense of what im thinking.. i couldnt really say anything else.. and i dont know what hed say cuz everything he has said has either not made sense or hurt me.. well, i lie.. some things have been helpful, and as much as i may appear to be really upset with him and think hes being a jerk (both of which are true), i honestly dont hate him.. and i am going to think/hope that he does still care about me.. and that some day we will be able to just hang out and have fun again, cuz i really enjoy being his friend.. im just not good with the whole pretending nothing ever happened and forgetting all the hurt feelings thing without it ever being resolved.. if that makes sense.. i dont know what im talking about or what i want to accomplish.. its just on my mind cuz lauren was questioning me about it.. which is fine, its just got me thinking about it all again.. i miss him. and i miss mike..

yeah so i was working on my new design for this page.. and let me tell you... it sucks. it really does. its very boring and simple. but i am just so sick of looking at this. oh well. no one really cares anyway.. i should be done pretty soon cuz im not doing all that much. um. yes. dont expect wonderful things.. cuz i forgot that once i had an idea, id have to be able to actually make it happen on the computer, and thats not so easy.. yes. 

yeah.. i think that it is time for me to shutup and leave. everyone have a lovely day.

love michelle

.. heaven is too far away.. and nothing is real..

ps.. that just reminded me that today i saw a bumper sticker that said "jesus cristo" which i just found humerous cuz i always say that, but didnt know it was a real term.. byebye.

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