i am mad that brian lied to me.. that he said we would still be friends.. that he said he still cared.. that he wasnt going anywhere.. that we were still friends.. that he still wanted to help me.. and be there for me to talk to.. that id still get hugs.. that not that much would change..  that he was still my friend.. 

im mad that i foolishly believed him.. because hes not any of those things.. at all.. 

i am mad that i am being treated like crap.. like i dont exist.. and never did.. that people i had thought were such a big part of my life just up and vanished.. and i still dont really know why.. and i dont have a say in it.. 

i am mad that mike isnt a stronger friend.. that when brian ended things between us, i lost a really good friend in both brian and mike.. which just hurts because that doesnt make sense to me at all.. i thought mike cared more. i thought hed be there for me.

i am mad that i am expected to be okay with everything.. that brian knew what he was getting into with me when this started.. that i have issues.. and he did it anyway.. and then just up and left.. completely.. and im left so confused with all of this.. and i dont know what to do.. and he doesnt seem to care.. and that hurts.

i am mad that i was apparently that unimportant in their lives that they are seemingly perfectly content with having no contact with me.. that it doesnt hurt them at all.. i guess i wasnt a good friend at all.. 

im mad at myself.. that i cared so much.. for the both of them.. and i still do.. and it would make it so much easier if i didnt.. because then i wouldnt mind the fact that i lost these two people in my life.. but i still do care about them.. and it hurts to know that i miss them but the feeling isnt mutual..

i am mad that i keep thinking about this.. that it is overtaking my life and causing such pain in it.. i wish it would just go away.. i hate not being able to sleep at night..

...
i keep thinking of this song.. 

hey i know.. 
that i cant talk to you right now.. 
but i want you to see that i'll never let you down..
and i cant stop these things from overcoming me 
i have to learn to set you free.. 
i thought id be there for you.. 
now youre questioning if words i said were true.. 
stars are in my grasp.. 
the ones you gave me that used to be wrapped all around you
but your voice is gone.. 
and now im thinking about the way you looked across the table at me
when we shared a walk down on massachusetts street.. 
i thought id be there for you.. 
no second chance to tell you things i need to prove.. 
cast aside and i can feel the sinking.. 
i wish you well.. 
whats causing me to feel? 
i cant stop thinking of the way you looked that friday morning.. 
the shades were red.. 
casting pink across your cheek.. 
and the way you looked at me with that gleam in your eye 
made me feel that things would be okay..
and then you cried and disappeared in autumn days.. 
three weeks gone.. 
ill be happy to move on.. 
i know you want the best.. 
but i want to see you again ..
...

i was telling powell that i feel the urge to get very very drunk.. which is very unlike me.. but for some illogical reason, i feel that it would make me feel better.. i need to go. bye.

michelle

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