there were other things i wanted to write about that were pissing me off.. but it doesnt seem worth it.. i want to get over this. so bad. i wish that either they would be a part of my life again, or just totally go away.. im not a fan of this whole in between crap.. where we just say hi to each other and thats about the extent of it.. 

i dont know what i want. i am so confused. i will never be happy.. i hate all this crap. ive often heard you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with others. this is probably a majority of my problem... however, i dont know how to be happy with myself. its hard to be happy with something you dispise..

im mad that i think the way i do.. that i am probably making a bigger deal out of all this than i should.. but i cant help it because it hurts.. i am mad that i am a hypocrite and expect people to treat me a certain way, when i dont treat others like that.. im mad that i have such a hard time dealing with my feelings.. that i really dont know what to make of them or how to react to them.. what i should and shouldnt say.. what i should and shouldnt think.. i wish someone could just tell me how to make myself better.. but thats not going to happen.. and thats another thing that makes me mad.. i wish i was a stronger person. i wish i wasnt so dependent on others. i wish that i could stick up for myself and choose my battles properly.. i wish i could fix myself. i wish i could be happy with who i was.. i wish i wasnt me.

im tired of being so mad and so sad and so annoyed and confused and hurt. i just want everything to be normal.

i dont like that people tell me that its "his loss".. that hes missing a great girl. that im nice. that im fun. that i deserve better.. cuz its not true. im not any of those things. and its not his loss.. its mine. and these people who think im great dont know that im really not.. that im really a very sad, selfish, sarcastic, hypocritical, boring girl who doesnt know anything and doesnt act upon the way she truely feels.. they dont know the real me.. and how much i suck.. and im not saying this to get people to feel bad for me.. i guess im saying this so that people realize that i know these things about myself, and that im not decieving myself by thinking im wonderful.. cuz i know thats not true. 

i need to go to work soon.. i need to stop this anyway..

michelle

.. see i dont know if you can help me or not, cuz i dont feel sick, i dont feel sick... but these pains in my head have almost put me underground.. and i dont really care if i am healthy or not.. just clean my head up doc, ill give you anything you want ..

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