i guess one of the things that spawned all this is the fact that i have liked this boy for almost a year and a half now (yes, i am a dork), and for so many reasons i know i shouldnt like him, and i dont want to like him.. and when i think about it, i know that i really dont like him.. but at the same time, i really really do.. and regardless of how much i know i dont want to, and tell myself i dont, and think of the bad things, it doesnt matter. and that pisses me off. why cant you just shut off your emotions? thatd be so great.

its also weird, cuz i often think that i have no emotions. like, sometimes i just really dont care about things. at all. when lots of other people do. and then im like, wow, im not even human.. i dont feel anything. but i guess im wrong. i guess i just hide it. im a weirdo. i guess i think it hurts less that way.. in reality it probably just causes more pain. why am i so weird. and why is it okay for me to call myself weird all the time, but i get so incredibly offended when others tell me that..

i also realized just how much of a wuss i am recently.. well, no, i knew, but i am being constantly reminded.. i am such a wuss. i am so bad at confrontations.. i feel as though there should be so many things discussed with people, but i just suck. i dont really know what it is.. i dont know if im afraid that i wont get my point across right, or if im afraid of hurting the other people, or if im afraid of their reaction, or if im afraid of taking a stand for myself, or if im afraid of having other people know what im actually thinking, or if im afraid that it wont actually help the situation, or if im afraid that maybe i was wrong and that there was no need for me to say what i was thinking.. or.. i dont know.. i really dont.

i move in tomorrow. yay? but me and megan are having adventures tomorrow and then i am stealing kerry tomorrow night and we will have fun. then chris's show on friday night and six flags on saturday (hopefully). and then (hopefully) seeing mikey on monday.. i hope everything actually happens, cuz if so, i have a lovely few days ahead of me. with my luck though, everything will fall through. oh well. i am cold. and i am tired of thinking about things. so i am going to go. goodnight.

love michelle

.. i will tell you i am fine.. ive got some news friend, feels like im dying ..

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