so i wrote a little last night.. this isnt very typical of me.. im not a good writer, but i thought it would maybe help me sleep. it didnt. but i thought maybe id share..

jealousy is everything. it is the cause of all that is bad. all that is pain. all that i am. i am a fool - who holds on to what they dont have - what they never actually did have. illusions fill a void. a place in one's heart that longs to be filled will jump at anything to feel complete.  lies fit so well in the hole in my heart. lies told so well that they werent lies at all. they were all that was true, all that i knew. how could i be so dumb. i am so dumb - to hold on to things that dont exist. feelings i dont have take over all i know, all i experience. experiences become distant - a window stands in place of reality. cant break through to the other side. the side i want. the side where i dont hurt. the side where i dont care. i dont care. really. but no one believes me. not even me. but its the truth. the truth that not even i trust. i trust nothing - not even myself. not my thoughts. not my words. not my feelings. nothing. trusting requires giving of yourself - giving up more than i consist of. and ever will. i dont know how. i dont care. i really dont. or i dont want to. i care because i dont know how not to care. i dont want to care. but i dont know how.

enclosed. it happens again. overwhelming desire to empty my insides and thrust them upon the cause - the cause of so much frustration. anger is all i see. there is no more pretend. it hurts more than the words themselves. to have them not exist. or covered in happiness. sugar coated bitterness fills the narrow space and is all that can be breathed in. the taste is wretched. i vomit. i am tired of the games. tired of the constant battles. battles which shouldnt exist. battles which dont exist. only in me. i never let them out. i cant do it. i shouldnt have to. i want to live for me. its my life. my life that i take for granted and do nothing with. and when i try, questions. and im held back. again. is there no happiness? i cant be with anyone, yet i cant be alone. it makes no sense. since when can others control your life. control my life. how do i let it happen. when did i get so weak - why was i never strong? i need strength. i need to unlock my insides and give it back. to the rightful owner. i dont want it anymore. i dont want the pain. take it back. its weighing me down. holding me back. i need to live for me before i can live for anyone else. im done with the pressure. its everywhere. im surrounded. everyone can take what belongs to them. leave me with myself. i need to rid myself of my collection of emotions. others emotions. dust off the shelf. fill it with my own. alphabetized. organzied. in use. i cant hide anymore.

yeah.. im really not always upset. really.

i need to go wash this crap out of my hair.. peace.

much love. michelle.

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